this quite new, different for me to write. To express what it’s in my heart, this endless, without a condition, this love, it’s like pressing the whole universe in a little black whole, almost impossible. But it reminds me that this kind of a reverse process as the beginning of all live, the big bang. So, there is a pretty half a Buddha woman standing in front of me named Sandra, my best friend and soulmate, full of good intensions, telling me quite out loud, that she loves me without a condition. Loud enough even for me to listen and understate, because it’s the first time I get it in an aware state of mind. And this moment, this what my best friend did there for me in summer 2014 helped me start a process turning my life in the direction and places I always wanted to be. She was the spark to decide for self love. Because if the one of the most wonderful, honest, strongest person in my life could love me in contrast, messed up in trauma and tears, caught up in overthinking and high on euphoria, than I could do this with myself.
So, I allowed processes to go on, surrender to my deepest, biggest fears. Hell yes, this was painful, ugly and didn’t felt good at all. At first. I knew there was pain, a rocky, bumpy way through hell. For the first step and I did go further. The one thing I was confident of my whole life was my courage and gratefulness towards life. I let it happen, on every occasion in the past two year, totally aware. I let it happen and learned to embrace it, to welcome it. Why the hell am I doing this, standing in the middle of my own storm, in chaos and vulnerability?! Is this something a person who loves themself is doing?! Going in to the feelings which repeated themselves so many times in different ways?! Yes. What the hell for?! I did not know the outcome until I experienced the shift, what happens in a such process. No more compensation, no repetition. I transformed. The dunghills I landed in, I stepped in or created on my own, transformed into something good. I did this. The lessons I took lead me to something always wanted, never known before: inner peace, freedom of mind and an open heart. Further on, the more I processed, I learned to trust. And every time I went through the kinds of processes, going into my feelings, being completely present with them, no matter what, it made me fly, thrive and grow. Cause there is a lot of potential in contrast for transformation, to escape the wheel of compensation and to be alive. Awakening is not a nice, pretty process. First it feels numb, cold and lonely. But this goes by, like clouds fade away and the sun reveals. And this time, it’s clearer, brighter and more worth living than you might ever expected the life you choose to be.
So, let’s face it. Loving yourself, short cut to happiness, is not a walk in the park with unicorns and practice nice habbits on the surface. To last and to grow, it sometimes needs a bumpy road or a detour through hell to arrive, but it’s worth it. The times between the ups and downs get shorter. It nears itself towards the upside even quicker the less resistence I hold up. So, feeling more happy and expansive every day. So, hold up, slow down, back up and step down, nobody can love you like you love yourself first. And gladly, some are at your side since years, knowing you the way you are and remind you if you are a little caught up in your shit, that they love you and trust you. Thanks to my crew for the reminder and sharing my path.
And what helped me along my journey to be in the present moment, to take care of myself and to stay awake was the HMS Log Book by Jennifer Snyder, Part Two of 2016 is now available an Amazon, here. A great diary to keep on track, especially for us woman. Try it, it’s worth the time.
So, what to do when you are awake, alive and aware?! First, hands up high, breathe the wind, the light. Listening to the sound, start to move. Dance, eat, pray, love. Feel it, the flow and ride it like a surf board. The present it a gift, no matter how it looks or it might be judged. I didn’t say it’s going to be always easy and smooth, I only promise it’s beautiful. There is beauty in the most painful, hard processes. You don’t believe me, than you’ve never seen me cry. The most beautiful smile is nothing without the shadow, the brightest light is never recognized without the darkness. We need to experience the contrast, just trust the physical laws of this universe, yourself and that there is healing and peace in every storm, hurt and chaos…Have fun, make history….